I just got a solid 8 hours sleep! This never happens; I’m usually in bed by midnight & up at 6 before the alarm goes off at 7:05AM. Last night I went down at 10:30, & slept straight through ‘til 6:30. What sucks, is that this is akin to oversleeping for me, I’m sort of still half-asleep. I guess I can be classified as a “morning person”, in that I’m wide awake within a minute of getting up. I usually don’t have to deal with this interim groggy state; thankfully too, this is like some sort of purgatory between being asleep & being awake. I wonder if this is the result of some sort of metabolic shift due to smoking cessation, do any of your anatomical systems start behaving differently after you quit smoking? I’m still patched in, so it’s not nicotine deprivation. Even though the longer I slept, the further away from smoking I got, I certainly hope that this is not my new, permanent sleeping pattern.
I noticed, yesterday, where & when I most crave a smoke. It became apparent that my internal dialogue has crafted a sort of pro-smoking ad campaign, with the message: “Relax, you deserve a reward”. No wonder I smoked so much, I’m so easily wound up; both anger & elation seem to overwhelm me frequently & in varying extremes. So, I was either trying to mellow out or celebrate, opposite ends of the emotional spectrum, yet the same prompting to smoke. Since my first [and only] year of university, the reasoning skills I gleaned from Intro To Philosophy have helped me view any questionable concept with a cold, comforting logic. Addiction, and its mind bending/ spell casting, seems to have trumped all logic & reason.
I know, that even before I’ve started eating, that I’m going to want the After Dinnerer. A post feast stog is truly the exclamation point to any & every eating experience; I’ve often referred to it, in all seriousness, as The Dessert Of Champions. I can see this ultimate craving coming, so I can somewhat con myself into not wanting to smoke after a meal. Sure, there’s still a certain level of discomfort involved, but because I’m granted some foresight, I can relatively trick myself out of the urge.
The two places in my apartment that get a hankerin’ for a haul off a stog is sitting at my computer & lying on my couch, watching TV. This is where the “Relax, you deserve a reward” commercial gets turned up full-blast! Even as I’m approaching either the PC or the couch, I’m hit with a craving-pang. I kind of don’t know how to guard against this, my agenda is obvious when it comes to food, but now I need to be wary of locations? As I recognized this pattern, I got more & more pissed off every time it would hit me. I don’t know how long its going take to new-trick-learn this old dog, maybe this is just one of those things that I’ll never get over.
People from a 12 step program may have noticed that I don’t use any of their terminology, or at least I avoid it the best I can. More than my desire to “just be done with it all”, I’ve failed on 5 to maybe 8 occasions to quit drinking, by going to AA meetings. As a result it can’t be too hard to understand my repulsion towards AA slogans, mottos, mantras, etc. Even more than my inability to conceive of some ethereal “higher power”, is my loathing of the concept of “Triggers”. If I was to buy into this notion, I have to consider ONLY food, the couch & my desk chair as actual, legitimate triggers; because in all reality, THE WORLD IS A FUCKING TRIGGER!!! What is there, in all of existence, that doesn’t have the power to both elate &/or infuriate?
I need to apologize here; this is, I fear, my worst entry to date. I’m blaming it on the extensive sleep, but nothing can excuse how uninspired I am today. Usually, I get stuck on a word, that I can’t quite think of [a quick thesaurus check usually resolves it], but today I can’t think of basic sentence structure. Still, I haven’t smoked in over 80 hours; I think Ice Cube said it best: “It ain’t over Mutha Fukkaz”. More tomorrow…